Monday, April 16, 2012

Pat Butcher

Hello, I'm your local meat provider, Boston born and bred. I'm married and I've got a couple of kids. The wife's name's Patricia and just for a laugh whenever I introduce her I say,"Meet Pattie". I had a sale on last week, 2 rump steaks for £5, a bloke walks in and says, "How much is one?","One is £3.50" I said.
"OK", said the bloke "I'll have the other one".

I got him back though 'cause he said, "Have you got any wild ducks?" "No," I said, "but I've got one that gets pretty pissed off when I poke it with a stick."
I was going to have a meat raffle in the shop and was discussing it with one of my old pensioner customers and she told me not to bother 'cause she entered one once and didn't win a sausage, bless her.
Then I thought I'd start selling horse meat like them foreigners eat, thought I'll try it myself first to see what it's like, didn't like it though, it gave me the trots!!
Lionel Richie walked into my shop the other day, I said 'Hello, is it meat your looking for?'
No, I'm just joking, I'm a compulsive liar and love chopping up dead cows.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

P.C. World

Crime in Boston has got worse over the last few years due to the number of immigrants that have come to live here but the Police and the local newspapers have fixed this problem by reporting for example "Boston man Istavan Krostofonich did such and such". I'm sure this has fooled the population into thinking that these are Boston boys doing the majority of crimes in the town.

The real Boston crimes are sometimes quite funny, I was called to Asda's one time and found a man unconscious and bleeding heavily in the bread and biscuits aisle, I asked the assembled crowd what had happened and a bloke from Fenside stood forward to say that he had seen a guy off Crimewatch who was wanted for several rapes and that he tackled him to the ground and punched him unconscious. He wouldn't believe me when I told him that they use actors on the show. Talking of Fenside, we had to cordon off part of the estate last week after sightings of an unidentified, never seen before, circular object. Turns out it was a tax disc. Another woman from down Woad Farm ran into the police station once while I was on desk duty shouting, "Grape! Grape!" I said to her, "Don't you mean rape, madam?" The woman says, "No, there were a bunch of them!"
Years ago when criminals got caught they would say, "Fair cop mate" and accept their punishment but it's not like that now, they'll use any excuse to get away with their crimes, just last week a man was in court charged with selling phoney anti-ageing drugs. The judge says to him, "Have you been charged with this crime before?" And the man replies, "Yes, once: in 1846."
But we don't always catch them, a bloke broke into and robbed Oldrid's Downtown Store last week, we nearly caught him, we had all the exits covered, but sadly he escaped through the entrance.
But with your help we can beat crime, especially terrorist crime.We are asking people to be on the lookout for Muslim suicide bombers who are set to launch a wave of terror with the new 'Alphabet Bomb' and if one of those goes off, believe me, it could spell disaster.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Concrete Charlie

I've worked on hundreds of building sites around Boston, it's hard work but it keeps me fit. It's not the same now though, too much Health and bloody Safety. I was chucked off one building site for not wearing a "high visibility jacket". Well, if I was so invisible, how come 15 people correctly identified me as the person who threw a brick at the gaffers BMW afterwards?
A few years ago on one site I chopped my finger off', I phones the missus from the hospital to tell her, "Oh my God!" she said, "The whole finger?" "No," I said, "The one next to it."
There used to be a lot of Irish labourers years ago, they were very funny. One came for a job once as an odd-job man. The foreman asked him what he could do. "I can do anything," said the Irishman. "Can you make tea?" says the foreman. "Jesus, yes," replied the Irishman. "I can make a great cup of tea." "Can you drive a forklift?" asked the foreman. "Mother of God!" replied the Irishman. "How big is the fecking teapot?"
Another Paddy walked onto the site and asked the gaffer for a job. The boss replied, "Alright, you can fetch me a wheelbarrow, right away. "Paddy walked off and five minutes later came back pushing a wheelbarrow with another wheelbarrow inside. The boss said, "Why have you brought two back I only needed one?" "Well, you never expected me to carry the fecking thing did ya!" Paddy replied.
Later on Paddy and his mate Mick are on the site laying bricks when disaster strikes and a ton of bricks falls on Paddy's head, Mick helps him up and he is unhurt except one of his ears is missing. After a 10 minute search Mick finds a bloody ear "here it is" shouts Mick.
Paddy replys "oh feck no Micky mine had a pencil behind it sure."

Them days is gone, all bloody Polish workers and Health and Safety now.

Postman Twat

I've been a postman in Boston all my working life, it's the only job I've had and I love it. The pay isn't that great but it keeps me off the streets and anything addressed to 'Cash 4 Gold' is a good bonus. It has its laughs as well, for instance one dark morning I was posting my letters when I came to a garden gate that wouldnt open so I looked down and it appeared as if some idiot had put a big stone behind it to stop it swinging open, so i booted it open and the stone rolled up the path, I walked up to put the post in the letter box, im cursing "stupid bastards" when I looked down at stone....... it was a tortoise upside down with his little feet going ten to the dozen!! I laughed so much a little bit of wee came out. Another time I knocked at a door and said "Is this letter for you? The name's smudged." and he said, "No, It's not for me mate, my name's Smith". Dogs can be a bit of a bother though, I often think why the dog food companies dont bring out a dog food that tastes like a postman's leg, they'd make a bloody fortune. And the kids love Postman Pat don't they? We have a postie down the sorting office called Pat which is quite ironic really because he smells like cow shit. But I've been having a lot of trouble at work lately the boss called me into the office last week called me the 'World's worst postman', I was so shocked I got a 1000 names on a petition and I delivered it to the Queen at 7, Hucknall Road, Nottingham. Anyway, I must get on, one final thing though if you're a gambling man put all your money on on the Italian in the swimming finals at the Olympics, I don't know his name, but he's a Postman in Venice.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

The Pilleys Lane Posh Mugger

We usually think of criminals as coming from working class backgrounds and living in Council houses so you can imagine how surprised I was when I was the victim of an attempted mugging the other day and although I didn't know it at the time the culprit was born and lived in Pilleys Lane Boston, a supposedly posher and better part of the town.

I was walking toward him and his friends to interview them when he said, "Good day and Salutations fellow citizen! I wonder fine sir, could one be so ostentatious as to ask a gentleman such as yourself to part ways with your currency?" I told him that I would give him nothing and that he should go away as I was a black belt in Karate, to which he replied, "Excuse me my good sir, are you searching for a slap to the face? Please place all the money you possess in my hand within the next 7 seconds or I will be forced to perform the well known 'Pimp slap' manoeuvre on the right hand side of your face. Later this day I will either hand the money to my drug dealer who has been asking "Where's my money?" over and over for the past 4 and a half months, or I will use it to buy a 3 litre bottle of cheap cider from my local Asda store." I repeated that I would give him nothing and that I was also a professional Kung Fu fighter, to which his answer was, "I shall now push you in front of my acquaintances old chum to prove I am the dominant male of the species." I warned him again "please step away from me" but still he went on and said, " I believe you are close to your demise as I declare that I am planning to donate to your head an excessive amount of force, enough possibly to remove your cerebrum and cerebellum respectively."

By this time I had had enough, I gave him two swift chops to the neck, poked him in his eyes, head-butted him and kicked him in the testicles, he dropped like a bag of spuds and lay groaning in agony. "Why are you hurting me in a strange manner?" he said, "I see that you have far superior fighting abilities compared to myself and I shall have to remember to bring twice as many friends next time we meet and also I will tell my bigger and less intelligent brother about you." I dialled 999 and he was taken away. Silly posh git.

Friday, April 6, 2012

Reverend Jeremy Givusaquid

I was told that a new religious order had been set up in Boston and went to interview their leader the Reverend Jeremy Givusaquid.

"Good morning my son", he began "yes I have formed a new religious group and I came to your lovely town of Boston because I heard that the people around here are a bit short of brain cells and will believe anything I tell them. My religion is different from all the others, I don't believe in any of the old religious views.Take the Catholics, Mary worshipping jackasses, they're just paedophile rapists, then there's Judaism we can't take them serious when they believe it's bad to eat pork but good to mutilate an infant's penis, I mean if god did not want the penis to have a foreskin, then why did he create it to begin with? Islam is the most hilarious made-up religion Satan ever boiled up in the Lake of Fire and it's followers are just a load of hell bound nin-com-poops. Then there's Christianity, let's just say that the belief that God is both the father and son of a certain woman sounds quite ridiculous to me, Rastafarians smoke ganja so they have a bit of fun which is more than you can say for the Jehova's witnesses who dont celebrate christmas, birthdays, easter or other holidays, bloody hell, what fun is there in that? But there's no doom and gloom in my religion and I like to think it has a sense of humour, I mean Why couldn't they play cards on the Ark? Because Noah was standing on the deck. See I told you we could be funny. Anyway, to be serious again, I basically believe there is something out there watching over us, unfortunately, it's the government and the police, that's why this time next year I'll be long gone from Boston with my ill gotten gains so whether you're ex Buddhists, Catholics, Islamists, Quakers, Mormons, Baptists, Hindus, Jehova's witnesses, Christians, Amish, Hare krishnas, Lutherians, Unitarians, Sikhs or anything else, all I ask is that you deposit £20 per week into my bank account to cover costs and you will be guaranteed to be accepted into the kingdom of the lord. By the way, if you've had an accident at work that wasn't your fault ring 0120567584567 and I may be able to help. I also buy second hand books.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Steve Shitshifter

I asked Steve Shitshifter, one of the council's litter pickers what his opinions of Bostonians were.

"To put it mildly", he said "they're a load of dirty filthy bastards, and if you saw the disgusting stuff that they drop in the streets that I have to pick up you'd think so too. Just get your sniffing gear round my bin bag, that's the real smell of Boston that is. Why just this morning I've picked up used condoms, syringes, dogshit,  a dead cat,
two push bikes, a traffic cone, a television set, 3 odd shoes, tin cans, glass bottles, a lump of wood, crisp packets, a dead dog, cigarette ends, food cartons, chewing gum, a dead hedgehog, sweet wrappers, half a kebab, several newspapers and a tin of lighter fluid. People just throw their rubbish anywhere, yes, you know who you are don't you? Well who do you think cleans it up eh? The bleeding litter fairy!! No, it's me that does it, me". Just then two teenage lads walked by and one of them flicked his cigarette end into Steve's black bin liner, this ignited the lighter fluid and Steve burst into flames. He suffered third degree burns and was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance and the last thing I heard was him screaming "See, I fucking told you didn't I?"

Monday, April 2, 2012

Bellbottom Barry

"Hiya Man, yeah I lived in Boston all me life. It's a great place to be, plenty of the weed about to keep me laid back man, know what I mean.

Back in the day I seen all the greats The Stones, Hendrix, The Who, Janis Joplin, I went to all the big festivals and of course down the old Gliderdrome. I started to learn the guitar meself you know back in '64 but to this day I can only play two chords and can't string a song together, what a waste of 40 odd years man.

I was a teenager in the 60's, make love not war and all that, but I was as ugly and smelly then as I am now so I didn't get that many chicks to make love to but then again that's another story. In fact if I tell you the truth man I've never had a woman". There followed a long silence............................................."in fact I'm bi-sexual, well I think I may be although I've never ever had a man either, I'm a bit confused, it's the effects of all the drugs over the years yer see, do you fancy a homosexual relationship by any chance?" ......................another long silence and then he walked away singing "All you need is love". Strange man.

Istavan Nickersoffski

I met an immigrant to England in the Market Place and asked for his views on living in this country, here is what he had to say.

"My first look at your country I not see much, I with 25 other people in back of lorry, I look through curtains and see name Dover then for next few hours all I see is boring road, A2,M2, M25, M11, A1. Then we turn onto country road and everyone say "we nearly there", I see sign say "Boston" and arrive in promised land I hear so much about.

I cannot first use own passport as I wanted in my country for rape, attempted murder, fraud and shoplifting, I swear to you I never shoplift. Anyway, I put my picture on Uncle's passport and pretend I am he. I get job in factory or cut cabbage in fields, only earn £150 a week but it take me one month to earn that back home. After while I get property on false passport and soon own three houses, much rent coming in and have thousands in false bank account, but not last long, police find out and I confess. They must take my money and houses away and deport me I think, but no, they just give me small fine, residence here and let me keep proceeds of my breaking the law. I cannot believe they let me off but it seem they do it all time. One of my friends he start illegal Vodka factory with illegal workers too, it blow up and kill all except one, do they punish survivor? No they say, "No charges will be made", and then England let him stay in hospital for free to make his face better, cost thousands! Yes, I love your country, not know why Englishman complain so much!"

Wayne Burberry

I met this young man coming out of the jobcentre with a group of his friends and asked him his views on Boston and life in general, for some reason he replied in a Jamaican accent as follows.

"Dats bangin' bro, know wha' I'm sayin'? Yeah, Boston's OK brer. See these people here day iz ol me bledrins innit, we iz bangin in de ghetto man innit. See this girl here, she's having my baby, she's boom ting innit, and she thinks I iz fit blud innit".

I asked him, "Why are you talking like a black person when you are obviously white" and he said, "
Yo' what? I declare Jihad on yo ass! innit I have no beef with you dog but you'd better fuck off or I'll shank ya. Innit".

I thought "You silly twat, you've never even been to John 'o Groats, never mind Jamaica" but it came out as "Thank you for your time sir".

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Britney Scratchcard

I caught up with Britney Scratchcard in Poundstretchers and she told me, "Seven hundred quid a week the government give me, how am I supposed to live on that? OK, I know me rent's paid as well but by the time I've got me groceries and other stuff out it leaves me with only about £550 quid a week for ciggies and stuff. bloody hell it costs a fiver to get in the club and I go there four night a week, and now they're on about putting the price of fags up, I'm gonna start smoking the roll ups, bloody destitute me!! anyway gotta go, I'm off to Wetherspoons for a couple of lagers, see ya duck".

Mrs. Gladys Saggybottom

Mrs. Gladys Saggybottom was pegging out her washing and told me, " They don't know what housework is today, I used to get up at 3. a.m., clean the fireplace out, go down to the well at the bottom of the garden to fetch some water for the tin bath to wash my 15 children, get them all breakfast, get them all dressed and ready for school, do the washing in a tin tub, squeeze it all through the old mangle which I still use today, wash and prepare the vegetables which I had to dig up out of the garden, clean the whole house through with just a sweeping brush, answer the door, make the beds, and get my husband up and dressed. By this time it was 3.30 a.m. and I was ready for a good old cup of tea I can tell you". She added, "But I wouldn't change a thing, it's made me the woman I am today, full of aches and pains, a heart condition and looking 20 years older than I am". I hurriedly left while she wasn't looking and as I turned I noticed she was sobbing like a baby.

Mr. Alfred Cornflake

Mr. Alfred Cornflake was collecting his pension when I asked him his views on the world today, he said, "I died in two world wars for you and what thanks do I get? None that's how much. I wonder what you would have done if you were up to your neck in mud and bullets like I was in 1914, you'd have soiled your underpants that's what you would have done matey boy. All I want is a bit of respect, that's all". It was at this point that he ran off shouting, "Oops, sorry mate, gotta go, I think I've soiled me underpants".