Postman Twat

I've been a postman in Boston all my working life, it's the only job I've had and I love it. The pay isn't that great but it keeps me off the streets and anything addressed to 'Cash 4 Gold' is a good bonus. It has its laughs as well, for instance one dark morning I was posting my letters when I came to a garden gate that wouldnt open so I looked down and it appeared as if some idiot had put a big stone behind it to stop it swinging open, so i booted it open and the stone rolled up the path, I walked up to put the post in the letter box, im cursing "stupid bastards" when I looked down at stone....... it was a tortoise upside down with his little feet going ten to the dozen!! I laughed so much a little bit of wee came out. Another time I knocked at a door and said "Is this letter for you? The name's smudged." and he said, "No, It's not for me mate, my name's Smith". Dogs can be a bit of a bother though, I often think why the dog food companies dont bring out a dog food that tastes like a postman's leg, they'd make a bloody fortune. And the kids love Postman Pat don't they? We have a postie down the sorting office called Pat which is quite ironic really because he smells like cow shit. But I've been having a lot of trouble at work lately the boss called me into the office last week called me the 'World's worst postman', I was so shocked I got a 1000 names on a petition and I delivered it to the Queen at 7, Hucknall Road, Nottingham. Anyway, I must get on, one final thing though if you're a gambling man put all your money on on the Italian in the swimming finals at the Olympics, I don't know his name, but he's a Postman in Venice.