Saturday, April 7, 2012

The Pilleys Lane Posh Mugger

We usually think of criminals as coming from working class backgrounds and living in Council houses so you can imagine how surprised I was when I was the victim of an attempted mugging the other day and although I didn't know it at the time the culprit was born and lived in Pilleys Lane Boston, a supposedly posher and better part of the town.

I was walking toward him and his friends to interview them when he said, "Good day and Salutations fellow citizen! I wonder fine sir, could one be so ostentatious as to ask a gentleman such as yourself to part ways with your currency?" I told him that I would give him nothing and that he should go away as I was a black belt in Karate, to which he replied, "Excuse me my good sir, are you searching for a slap to the face? Please place all the money you possess in my hand within the next 7 seconds or I will be forced to perform the well known 'Pimp slap' manoeuvre on the right hand side of your face. Later this day I will either hand the money to my drug dealer who has been asking "Where's my money?" over and over for the past 4 and a half months, or I will use it to buy a 3 litre bottle of cheap cider from my local Asda store." I repeated that I would give him nothing and that I was also a professional Kung Fu fighter, to which his answer was, "I shall now push you in front of my acquaintances old chum to prove I am the dominant male of the species." I warned him again "please step away from me" but still he went on and said, " I believe you are close to your demise as I declare that I am planning to donate to your head an excessive amount of force, enough possibly to remove your cerebrum and cerebellum respectively."

By this time I had had enough, I gave him two swift chops to the neck, poked him in his eyes, head-butted him and kicked him in the testicles, he dropped like a bag of spuds and lay groaning in agony. "Why are you hurting me in a strange manner?" he said, "I see that you have far superior fighting abilities compared to myself and I shall have to remember to bring twice as many friends next time we meet and also I will tell my bigger and less intelligent brother about you." I dialled 999 and he was taken away. Silly posh git.

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